


Lingerie is Gay (and it’s No Secret)

by InsominiacArrest



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bachelorette Party, F/F, Flirting, Meet-Cute, Mild Injury, Underwear, victoria secret AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-06-06 23:49:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6775186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsominiacArrest/pseuds/InsominiacArrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis is a Victoria Secret employee who thinks Peridot is shop lifting and Peridot is just a confused shopper who has no idea how bra sizes work</p><p>They go from there.</p><p>my <a href="http://insomniac-arrest.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Victoria's Mistake

Lapis noticed her right away, she entered the store in the middle of the day on a Friday, button up shirt, tight pants and a disheveled head of blond hair against a pale face. She was mumbling to herself angrily as she looked at price tags. **  
**

The only thing she brought with her was one huge bag with an alien print on it. Lapis narrows her eyes, why did she need a large empty bag?

Lapis hides behind an underwear display with dogs smooching and watches her closely. The store was basically empty at that point except for one soccer mom arguing with Pearl at the cash register. She was apparently trying to return something with a stain on it, which was a big ‘STOP, NO, EW’ in return policy terms.

Lapis made the sign of the cross in Pearls direction in sympathy when she looked over and mouthed, 'rest in peace.' Pearl remained stony faced. 

Lapis carefully pads up behind the blonde as the girl takes every other bra off the hook, stares at it for a second and then puts it messily in her hands or back on the rack.

Lapis’s suspicion only grows when she watches the girls frustration escalate, muttering increasing in volume as she asked the air: “31B? 34B? 36 of what, the letter C? Erg.”  
  
She was either very lost or up to something.

And of course, Lapis had been chewed out by her boss recently for a 150% increase in shrinkage from a couple of sticky fingers that made off with a lot of underwear. 

Stupid teens, stupid shoplifters, stupid lacy thongs that were as big as napkins and worth 30 bucks.

Lapis finally approaches the women when she was examining a pair of thongs, and blushing. “Can I help you ma'am?”

Lapis fluffs her hair, and the women looks her up and down.  
  
“Erm,” she fidgets. “No.” She turns away quickly and Lapis imagines being an undercover cop with a suspect.

“Well, my name is Lapis, let me know if you need anything.”  
  
“Well, actually,” the women whips back towards her, “I was looking for the changing room.”  
  
Lapis eyes her and crosses her arms, that is where most thieves did their nefarious deeds, “yes ma'am, this way.”

She takes her to the back and leads her behind a soft red velvet curtain they used as doors for the changing rooms.

The woman nods mutely and slips in. Her blush made Lapis more on edge, though a little less suspicious. That is until ten minutes pass.

Whispering sometimes came from behind the curtain, but the women stayed in there. Was she planning something?

Lapis got to her knees and watched her feet as she just…stood there, and sometimes threw a bra on the ground. Lapis bawled up her fists.

She slipped a pair of bright pink bra into her huge bag, Lapis leaps to her feet and rushes into the room.

“Gottcha!” She yells with her finger pointed accusingly into the air.

“Ah!” The woman covers her chest and goes red all over, “ah! What the hell?”  
  
“Shoplifting is ill-egal, I’m getting the cops. This is a citizen’s arrest!”  
  
“What are you talking about you dumbass?” She furiously snaps at her, “I’m not picking up your damn clothes.”  
  
“Uh,” Lapis lowers a hand, “you’ve been in here like 20 minutes…and put that bra in your bag!”

She looked down, “I was making a ‘no’ pile on top of my work bag,” she glares, “and I wouldn’t be taking so long if your sizes and brands and numbers made any sense.” She seems to almost pout.

“Soooo,” Lapis looks her up and down.

“So, I was going to pay for everything…or I was if I could figure out what these meant.”  
  
“Aren’t you like, an adult?” Lapis asks slowly.

She blushes, “well, I’ve been guessing up until now and then my clodd of a co-worker told me to get some….that actually fitt. It was embarrassing.” She was frowning deeply and a feeling bubbled up in Lapis’s gut.

“Uh, I’ll be right back.” Lapis dashes out and retrieves a tape measure.

“It came like this!” The soccer mom yelled shrilly from the front of the store.

“It’s store policy, we can't accept it.” Pearl replied evenly, Lapis snickered and went back to the changing room.

The blond had put back on a sports bra when Lapis came back, “shoplifting, you really thought I was shoplifting?” She glanced at her.

Lapis shrugs, “you never know… it’s pretty common.” They trade a look, “I’ll give you everything 10% off." Lapis says quickly.  
  
“Deal, and I won’t tell anyone.” She says with a smug grin.

Lapis shakes her head, “put your arms out ma'am.” She asserts politely.

“It’s Peridot.” She mumbles and her cheeks are flushed once more, “and I could measure myself.”  
  
Lapis raises an eyebrow, “I’m very good at this…and you won’t know sizes.” She says reasonably.

Peridot kicks at the clothes on the ground and nods, she puts her arms out.

Lapis gets to work and measures her torso size, and then goes to measure her cup size vertically, Peridot flinches.

“You don’t have to be nervous.” Lapis tries to soothe, “everyone gets a fitting at different times in life.”

“ _I’m gay._ ” The girl bursts out suddenly, Lapis freezes in place, “not nervous.” She says quickly and then looks away.

Lapis laughs, full-bodily and shaking, she laughs and then finishes quickly, “done. You’re a 36D.” She says calmly and then smirks. “And yeah. Me too.”

“And you work at a Victoria Secret?” Peridot says with an eyebrow raised.

Lapis stands up straight, “I’m a professional.” She huffs.

Peridot smiles, “alright, alright…I just need something,” she cringes, “lacy.”

Lapis nods, “oh? A special someone then?” She teases.

“No.” Peridot says quickly and gives a tiny frown, “bachelorette party. The theme is no shirt, no shoes….And I didn’t own anything the bride approved of.”  
  
Lapis is laughing, “that’s wild.” She pats her naked back, “I can go get you something nice.”

“Uh, you don’t have to.”  
  
“Least I could go Miss-Not-a-Shoplifter!” Lapis slips out of the room quickly and picks up black, green and red bras with bows and floral patterns.

“Try this,” she shoves them in her hands, “green will bring out your eyes, but the black has a lot of angular shapes in the pattern which will compliment your body.”

Peridot nods mutely, “uh, thanks.” She replies shortly.

“You can ask me what I think if you need help.” She shuffles back out of the room and lets her do her thing.

She waited again for another ten minutes but Peridot comes out with a small smile on her lips afterwards, “I didn’t think I’d find anything…” She murmurs.  
  
“Bet it looks hot!” Lapis puffs out her chest, “I’m the bomb at this.”  
  
Peridot rolls her eyes but puts out her hand, “thanks for your help…and uh, don't tell your coworker.” She nods her head to the registers.   
  
Lapis tilts her head, “you know Pearl?” She shakes her hand.  
  
Peridot nods, “that’s why I chose this store…but she was busy.”  
  
Lapis snorts, “You can say that again.”  
  
“I want to speak to a manager!” A voice erupts.

“I am the manager.”  
  
Lapis hides laughter behind her hands and Peridot looks amused.

Lapis checks her out with a 10% discount, “sorry about that again.”  
  
Peridot hand waves her, “it’s fine I guess…for now.”  
  
“If I can do anything to repay you…” Lapis flutters her eyelashes up at her and sticks her chest out, and wished blatant flirting didn’t fill the ‘desperate’ category of her single life.

Peridot smirks, “sure.”

But then she grabs her bag and expensive lingerie and dashes out the door like her tail was on fire, Lapis leans on her hand and sighs.

“That was the worst foreplay I could think of…” She says to herself.

Pearl glances at her as the soccer mom stomps out, “if I can do anything to repay you?” She quotes.  
  
Lapis buries her face in the crook of her arm, “shut up.”


	2. Victoria's Party

Lapis didn’t particularly mean to see Peridot again, it was an awkward enough experience the first time, ending with a short overture by Lapis and Peridot scurrying out of the store probably swearing to never come back again. However, Pearl had another offer.

“Anyway,” Lapis leaned on the counter and turned to Pearl slowly, “then I said ‘pay for it yourself if your ass if worth so much.’” Lapis finishes with a flourish.

Pearl laughs into her hand and turns to Lapis, “oh Lapis, at first I thought you were just a depressing employee with an attitude, but I really do find you a delight.”

Lapis tilts her head, “thanks, I guess?”

Pearl was wiping at her eyes, “so. I was thinking….” Pearl looked her up and down, “would you like to come to me and my fiance’s bachelorette party? She was saying I should invite more guests that I actually am fond of.”

Lapis hops off the counter and watches Pearl’s face carefully, “really?”  
  
“Of course,” Pearl says with a flick of her wrist, “you are very entertaining, and some civilized company there would be nice.”  
  
Lapis bites her lip, this was the party Peridot had been talking about. "Civilized? No promises." She says instead and watches Pearl sigh momentarily.

"Alright, well, interesting at least."

Lapis stands up straighter, “Is it, no shirt, no shoes themed? I think I've heard of it.” She concedes and Pearl blinks at her while folding more underwear in neat, perfect rows.

“That’s Amethyst’s theme, my party’s theme is garden-Victorian.”  
  
Lapis snorts behind her hand, “of course it is.”  
  
Pearl frowns slightly, “I told Amethyst that our neighbors could see us, what if we get a noise complaint and the police show- No shirt, no shoes, _really_.”  
  
Lapis snaps to get her attention, “okay, when is it?” Lapis’s insides squiggle, there would be shirtless girls at this party- available ones. The ‘jackpot’ sound rings between her ears like she just won family feud all by herself and Steve Harvey was making his 'oh damn' face.

Pearl turns to her, “Saturday at 8. Snacks and alcohol will be provided- but you have to drive responsibly.”  
  
“Sure,” Lapis agrees, “of course. Should I bring anything?"  
  
“Victorian-garden party,” Pearl laughs in silly rickety noise, “isn’t that so silly- we won’t even be in a garden!” She was laughing and Lapis joined in a little from just how taken with herself Pearl was.

“I’ll be there.” She tries to think of a present for Pearl and only comes back with ‘organizing chart and some blood pressure medicine.’

She’d work on it.

\------------------------

Lapis was standing in a culvasac with respectable little houses- not suburbia but not Lapis's part of cramped and crinkled apartments. She kept wondering if she should have gone to a real costume shop for a full skirt (to impress the ladies), or if just layering a bunch of skirts over a floral pattern kind of tricked the eye.

Anyway, she was at a Victorian-garden party and she had a croquet mallet on her shoulder, this was weird enough already. She rings the doorbell.

It rang twice and was opened promptly, “Lapis!” Pearl exclaims, standing in the doorway in full regalia: soft pinks and blues over a generous skirt and a parasol by her side. Pearl tilted her head, almost capsizing her gigantic feathered hat off her head, “you brought a mallet.”  
  
Lapis snickered, “it’s a croquet thing. You know, for the garden part.”  
  
Pearl sprouted an enormous smile, “that’s what I like to hear! Come in, come in.” The room buzzed with young women in different arrays of dress to undress and Lapis could use a drink.

Pearl gave her a thorough tour of the house, “this is the living room- don’t touch that!” She screeched at someone fingering a vase. “And this is the kitchen, Amethyst, if you try a keg stand right now I swear.” Pearl ran off for a moment and Lapis examines the girls in lacy bras and little smiles. Some of them we wearing rainbow flags for capes and Lapis’s mouth was dry, she was in good company.

She flattened her skirt, a tall black women with an afro glanced at her.

“Some night.” Lapis says for the sake of saying something.

The women unfolds her arms and nods coolly, “would you like something?” She gestures to the counter with everything from hard whiskey prairie fire to jello shots.

“Oh God yes,” Lapis tries to remind herself she’s a cool girl who can handle cool things like parties with pretty girls who were not shopping at her store. She takes two sugary sweet jello glasses and downs them in a swirl of what sparkles must taste like.

The women, Garnet, explains that they assumed a joint bachelorette party would be the least expensive. And they’d see how that’d turn out.

Lapis was laughing at Garnet's suave demeanor and getting red in the face from the shots when Pearl came back.

“Well, they’re not doing keg stands at least.” Pearl sighs, and Lapis could hear a chant of ‘chug, chug, chug’ repeated behind Pearl in tandem and Lapis was snickering behind her hand.

Garnet came over and patted her on the back, “it’s a party Pearl. Relax.” Garnet gave an easy smile, “try a margarita, I can make a wonderful margarita.”  
  
“You really do make them very well.” Pearl hiccups and Lapis watches them with interest, “but let me finish giving Lapis a tour.” She sings and Lapis lets herself be dragged away.

“This is the hall with the bathroom,” the house had simple but clean decor that seemed typical of little starter house with rough edges and frilled curtains. “And here, upstairs is Opal’s room.”  
  
“Oh,” Lapis had almost forgot, “where’s your daughter then?” She tried not to make it sound blunt, but the gummy-bear flavored shots were watering down her head.

“She’s with a babysitter.” Pearl explains, “now we were going to refurnish next, do you like beige or yellow butter better for this room?” Lapis talks home decor.

Garnet interrupts them with drinks and Pearl leads her back into a back room where they make quick work of the drinks in the quieter section, Lapis tries to retell her funny story with Garnet looking at her. It's slightly less funny.

Amethyst eventually wonders in, a little more far gone than all of them combined and hops onto Pearl’s lap, Pearl jumps and puts her hands in the air like the police will arrive any moment.

“I love youuu,” Amethyst slurs and Pearl blushes thickly, tucking a strand of Amethyst's wild hair behind her ear fondly.

“You’re drunk.” Pearl states blandly.

“No but for real, like the whole snob with a neat freak streak and freak in the bedroom-”

“Amethyst!” Pearl cries out and Lapis chuckles while Garnet and her exchange a look.  
  
“It really does it for me.” Amethyst rubbed at her eyes, “I am so happy we’re getting married. Like a piece of trash like me, how lucky can you get? So lucky.” 

She licks her cheek and Pearl squawks again, Lapis had to excuse herself to laugh, rocking a little as she does.  
  
They were leaning their heads together and whispering when Lapis rejoins them, Pearl still seemed embarrassed but Amethyst was drawing her in like a little bubble that collapsed in, just the two of them in it.

Lapis excused herself fully from the room and Garnet soon follows, Amethyst was still babbling “like all these chicks with their tits out- I’m not even sad! You the bomb.”  
  
Garnet appears next to her, Lapis snorts and shakes her head, “they’re kinda cute.” She admits and stores it in the side of her brain labelled ‘things to blackmail my coworkers with.’

Garnet nods with a small smile and went back to acting as the bartender and hostess while Pearl and Amethyst do whatever in the back room. At their bachelorette party.

Lapis trailed after Garnet until she accidentally barrels into a little figure, hitting their elbow and sloshing a drink down onto the carpet.

“Ack!” A voice curses and Lapis turns around sharply.

Lapis breaks into a huge smile, “Oh! I was wondering when I was gonna run into you.”  
  
Peridot, the little not-shoplifter stood with her red-solo cup poured onto her front and looking down in distaste.

“And pour my drink on me?” She asks grumpily but the little woman’s eyes were dragging up and her cheeks seemed to be heating up. So she did remember Lapis.

“Oh, yeah, oops, oops.” Lapis says with a shrug and reaches for a napkin, “I’m just bad luck for you I guess.”  
  
“Of your own making!”

Lapis snickers and leans over to dab at her stomach- Peridot swipes the napkin from her, “I-I can do that.”

“It looks good.” Lapis says wryly as she points to the bra and Peridot scoffs with her jittery hands running over her front.

Peridot was in the lacey lingerie Lapis had picked out for her- the one that brought out her eyes, and a pair of ratty jean shorts and no shoes like the party dictated.

“And what are you?” She asks calmly and throws the napkin behind her.

Lapis twirls her mallet, “garden party Victorian...I hoping there’s a murder mystery at the end, like Queen Victoria in the parlor with prudishness and shitty imperialism.”  
  
Peridot snorts and nods her head, “very clever.”  
  
“Is that an official assessment?” Lapis quirks up an eyebrow and leans forward, "accessing me, miss customer?"  
  
“Better than you molesting me,” Peridot counters and Lapis can spot flirting when she sees it. She sticks out her bottom lip.

“That was only once! And you were very suspicious. Giant alien bag- not good for discretion.” She crosses her arms across her chest.

“That is alien-phobia, my rights to bear flying saucers is guaranteed.” Peridot says with her finger in the air and Lapis pokes her in the chest and laughs a little.

“Yeah, yeah, got you the nice bra right?” Lapis says pointedly and looks down, Peridot shrinks down a little.

“It’s fine…”

Lapis coughs briefly and offers to get her another drink, Peridot accepts readily.

“Sooo,” Lapis glances behind her, “what do you do? How do you know Amethyst-Pearl...Pearlmethyst.”  
  
Peridot blinked and continued to rub the sticky beer off her skin, “Kindergarten teacher. I teach Pearl’s daughter at Madison Elementary.” She explains and Lapis considers her more carefully.

“Huh, you don’t seem like the…” Lapis trails off to figure out what she was trying to say.

Peridot nods, “a teacher? Yeah, it just sort of happened.” She sprouts a crooked smile, “though, I am good at it."

Lapis arches an eyebrow as sips from one of the drinks she's holding, "everyone's favorite teacher, eh?"

Peridot shrugs and puts her palms to the air, "Of course. Surprisingly, I can be fun when I’m not a confused shopper or being poured drinks on.”  
  
“Fun?” Lapis winks, “Huh.” Lapis makes a low noise and hands her a drink- letting her fingers linger a little longer on Peridot’s than necessary.

"Yeah!" Peridot lit up and bounced on the balls of her feet, "I have a one-man band." 

Lapis blinks a couple times before she snort-laughed at the idea, "a one-women band!"

"Yeah," Peridot giggled, "we're terrible."  
  
Lapis nodded, "show business. I hear it's rough."

"Hey, I get paid in crumpled ones and half eaten sandwiches." Peridot says brightly and then bites her lip, Lapis can feel her heart throb a little in an arm-wrestle match between her brain and her feelings, namely the feeling referred to as 'wondering what the inside of her mouth tasted like.'

Lapis tells herself it's just messing around, teasing- Peridot sneezes and Peridot puffs out her chest tries to tell her proudly about her twitter. Lapis glanced down and gulped, it was going to be a long night.


	3. Victoria's Accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where I say I had a better idea for a chapter and redid it...but,.. I was trying to delete a different story and deleted this chapter instead. So that was dumb.
> 
> I did decide maybe I could do better, and rewrote it anyway.
> 
> warning for minor injury

When Lapis was 5 she thought that people’s teeth fell out all at once, that teenagers wore dentures like her grandma until their new teeth came in. It was the only explanation.

When she lost her first teeth, she cried and waited for the rest to follow instantly like a ripe apple tree being kicked. Her mother was a nurse, and Lapis was admittedly a latch-key kid with no inhibitions. She tried to walk to the hospital for her dentures, she made it halfway there while crying, got tired, and walked herself back home by herself.

She never told anyone, and her tooth crisis was mitigated by the ten cents under her pillow that night. But the feeling of the sidewalk, the hole in her mouth and the despair of the journey stayed with her.

She didn't think of that moment until later, first she was in the honey-lit kitchen of someone house and surrounded by a group of people buzzing with noise and drink.

Peridot in babbled to Lapis in a friendly way, the way people do at parties with a rule against shirts and someone daring another person to jump off the roof outside.

“Anyway, of course I couldn’t just _pay_ for the pizza at that point, since it knew it was from that Marine and she would be so smug if she knew. So I just picked it up and walked it back to the pizzeria, placing it calmly in front of her with a note that said 'this is yours'.” Peridot told a story about her unspoken rivalry with her neighbor and pizza delivery service.  
  
Lapis snort laughed. “Oh my God, that’s ridiculous. Did she know?”  
  
Peridot nodded her head up and down enthusiastically, “of course! That would defeat the purpose if she didn’t know I walked a mile and a half to return to her anchovy disaster she 'accidentally' ordered for me.”

Lapis shook her head, “you live one wild life for a kindergarten teacher.”  
  
Peridot frowned and took a sip from her red solo cup, “I mean, it’s not forever..."

"Oh?" Lapis blinked and Peridot looked away.

"I’m not a big fan of the principal, and it’s not much to live off of.” Peridot said thoughtfully and Lapis nodded.

“You’re telling me. I own a studio apartment and honestly rent makes me consider picking up the underwear myself and peddling it on the street like a panties-drug dealer.” Peridot giggled into her hand and Lapis lit up, “like kids,” Lapis opened her petticoat up, “want to buy some g-strings?”

Peridot laughed-snort at her again, and then bit her lip, she looked up at Lapis through her eyelashes, “I’m sorry, did you say pick up for free? That sounds like shop-lifting, I might have to do...a citizen's arrest.” Peridot said dangerously as she brought up their encounter a week ago.

“Don’t remind me!” Lapis wailed and poked Peridot in the side with her free hand, Peridot squirmed with a hiccup of a laugh.

“You were going to do it too.” Peridot backed up as she continued to laugh at her with a little ‘neheheh.’

“Hey, we sell pink fluffy handcuffs, I am halfway to being a sexy cop in that shop.” Lapis jokes, and watches Peridots cheeks tinge red and she coughs into her hand. Lapis pokes her again and she wiggles away, “are you ticklish?” Lapis suddenly had a good idea.

“No!” Peridot huffs, “I’m an adult.”  
  
Lapis put her drink down, “your honor, the previous citizen's arrest interrupted, I think the trial needs to begin again…”

“No! No,” Peridot squirmed away, but Lapis was feeling funny and warm inside from a little more bourbon than she planned- and hey, flirting came in many different forms. “It was a false accusation.”  
  
“What? I can’t hear you.” Lapis tickled her exposed sides and Peridot laughs and pedals backwards.

“Don’t you dare!” Peridot threw her hands up, Lapis corners her by the stairs and tells her she has the right to remain overly sensitive, the smaller woman has tears in your eyes when she tickles her armpits.

“I hate you!" Peridot crows and Lapis snickers, "This is too much- and I work with 5-year old's all day.”

Lapis sticks her tongue out and Peridot scrambles away to jump on top of the couch and duck, disturbing a couple snuggling there.

“I work with underwear all day, oh the irony.” Lapis shakes her head and Peridot pants and eyes her warily.

“This isn’t exactly how mature parties go,” Peridot says as she rolls her eyes and holds up a pillow to protect herself.

Lapis turns around to the mantle, finds her drink and downs it. She turns around and bats her eyes, gritting herself for her next statement, she leans over, “how would you want a _mature_ party to go?” She croons and emphasizes her swaying hips.

Peridot blows air out of her nose and to Lapis’s surprise, grabs at the little bow around her neck and pulled her forward. “I dunno,” she mouths something, "what else can you do with your hands?"

Lapis almost falls over and her face completely heats up like a house on fire and all the occupants running out of the dwelling yelling, ‘oh no, she’s hot! She’s out-flirting us! Someone save my burning cat.’

Lapis gulps dryly and nods her head, “I can do...a lot of things that-with, me hands.” It was not her most eloquent statement.

“Kidding.” Peridot pushes on her shoulder and Lapis exhales.

“Oh good,” Lapis rubs her head, “for a second I thought I was going to have to ambulance to save me from being out-played.” She takes a deep breath, “damn girl.”

Peridot jumped down on the couch and the couple next to her sends her death glares, “don’t be too impressed. My mom was an English teacher, she taught me a way with words.”

Lapis watches Peridot round the couch again and Lapis can’t stop thinking about her soft salted skin that she had just thoughtlessly tickled seconds ago.

“What happened?” Lapis asked as she leaned backwards. 

"Huh?" Peridot asks with her eyebrow up.

"You don't seem like the wordy type."

 

  
Peridot shrugs, “I wasn’t. Used to call everyone ‘clods,’ until I found a book full of swear words and expanded my vocabulary- well, let’s just say I was banned from the local library for a couple years.”

Lapis laughs again, her shoulders shaking as she pushes her own hair back.

“Okay, that’s a pretty good story.” She looked Peridot up and down, and takes a deep breath. She couldn’t be out played. “You were saying you’re good with your mouth though?” She winks, expecting Peridot to sputter and go as red as her.

Peridot smirks and grabs her wrist, “why don't you be the judge?”

Lapis squeaks and suddenly feels the impending effects of the party and the drink, lets herself be led by the smaller woman. They start ascending the narrow stairs that lead to a little landing and then more stairs.

Lapis tries to get her thoughts in order like unruly soldiers that kept running into each other and panicking in the wake of a ‘hot damn!’ blaring out of the air sirens.

Peridot takes her up to the final steps and then pauses, taking out her phone to check the time. If Lapis was a smarter person she would have waited until they were somewhere more stable.

Since she was not, she leaned over and kissed the inside of Peridot’s neck, blowing softly on it, and sending a visible shiver up the other woman’s spine.

Peridot turns her face up and stretches on to her tiptoes to barely brush her lips against Lapis’s, her breaths tickling her chin as she teasingly ghosted over her skin.

“You scared?” Lapis breaths to settle her own nerves.

“Heh.” Peridot’s mouth twitched up towards a wicked smile, then her small hands grasped her waist and she jumped up on the last stair.

She dipped her backwards and kissed her on the mouth with puffs of hot air and firm hands. It was a tangy kiss, sparked by a few too many drinks and the taste of sweet ferment.

‘WOW’ painted itself across Lapis’s senses like sparkly graffiti. It was a hard embrace, bent and close, toying with her as her tongue flicked across her lips and then retreated.

The bra Lapis picked out heaved close to her face and Lapis melted into the kiss, to get deeper and lost in the sensation. She didn’t remember the last time she had kissed like this, maybe never.

Peridot leaned in to pin her closer to the wall. Of course, Lapis wasn’t feeling very bright at that moment and she steps backwards to accommodate her, her foot misses the step.

Peridot tried to keep a grip on her waist, but the work of gravity was an unrelenting banker that demanded payment.

Lapis remembered the time she lost her first tooth, the trip down the empty sidewalk flashing behind her eyes as she fell.

It was not a graceful descent. She hit the railing and then tumbled head first down onto the landing, her head bashing itself against the wall and her brain-case informing her that was a bad idea in bright white and red lights bursting behind her eyes.

She twisted her ankle in the railing on the way down, a clicking sound coming from the limb like popcorn popping in the microwave- except terrifying and probably not affecting her cholesterol.

“Ah!” She barked a low grunt and couldn’t help but feel the prickle of absurdity along side the thumping pain in her head and foot. Who fell down stairs after a first kiss with someone?

She groaned at the bottom of the stairs and went to feel the sharp ebbing throb on her head and the ringing in her ears, subtle but silver and bright sound with a hint of being very worrisome.

She moans again and rolls over.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” Peridot was wringing her hands and jumping around her like a little fairy guide from Zelda. She ancily danced from foot to foot and Lapis watched as the ceiling spun before her eyes.

“Woooo,” she breaths and then chuckles to herself because everything hurt. “That’s some...spicy shit right there.”  
  
“She’s delusional!” Peridot crowed and then disappeared, "hey, Lapis fell!"

A crowd arrived soon with Pearl at the head.

“Everyone stand back, stand back.” Pearl's face was a stony mask, “no one touch her, no one move, no one breath.” Pearl demanded as she put her arms out.

“What happened?” Amethyst asks slowly as Lapis sees her round face blink down at her.

“I kissed her!” Peridot squawked and Amethyst covered her face as she grinned.

“And she threw herself down the stairs? Rough break Per-per.” Amethyst condoled. 

“I fell.” Lapis corrected as she considered trying to sit up, and then reconsidered.

Lapis’s senses blurred together somewhat after that, the doctors called it minor memory loss, she called it ‘disappointment in not becoming Jason Bourne’ (and relief).

Pearl forced someone to call for an ambulance, “since it was a head injury and we need experts!” She yelled and shepherded everyone away.

Amethyst tried to tell her dirty jokes about horses while she waited, and Peridot kept telling her to not move and spreading ice packs along her swollen ankle.

“This is so dumb.” Lapis hid her face with one hand, “I’m never leaving my room again after this.”  
  
“Just live first!” Peridot said shrilly.

Lapis blinked at her, and then flinched at the feeling, “I’m not dying. Just... you know.” Never leaving her room again.

Ambulance lights blare through the window in acute reds and blues, and this is not how Lapis saw her night going.

Garnet appeared last and let them in, explaining the situation and assisting them get Lapis moved and attached to a head board.

“This is so dumb.” Lapis kept repeating and trying to comprehend that this was still happening and not some sort of bizarre dream where David Bowie jumped out and hip-thrusted at her.

“Has she been drinking?” One of the EMT’s asks.

“Yes.” Garnet nodded, “I don’t know how much.”  
  
The EMT nodded, “Probably for the best, or that would have hurt a lot more for her.”  
  
Lapis finds that absurdly funny and laughs as they wheel her out of the house, Peridot scrambles after them- Lapis only remembers this since she was very loud about it.

The EMT’s tell her to stay awake and begin the process of getting Lapis into the vehicle.

“I’m coming with,” Lapis glances down at Peridot who was sweating and her teeth were on edge.

“Are you family?” The ambulance worker asks.

“Uh,” Peridot looks up to her left. “Yes.” Peridot flinches, “Sisters.”  
  
“Didn’t they say you were kissing her?” The guy wheeling Lapis up commented.

“Uh, really good sister’s?” Peridot offers, and Lapis guffaws and promised herself to remember that moment for future purposes.

"Nice try lady."

"Please!"

Lapis didn’t know what she did, but Peridot bribed or talked her on to the emergency vehicle and the siren's yell into the night air like a cacophony of cats.

“I wish I got to drive this fast normally.” Lapis comments loopily as the road sped up.

  
“Sshhh,” Peridot’s small hand enclosed her own and she squeezed as hard as she could. “It’s okay.”  
  
Lapis shook her head but didn’t say anything more. Her memory faded in and out in little tid-bits, but she Peridot held hand tightly all the way to the hospital. Small, and earnest she whispered that it was going to be okay, and that she wasn’t alone.

Lapis reflected on her own bad luck, dumbness or combination of both, but the little hands on her shaking hands weren't so bad.


	4. Victoria's Cell Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put Peridot's text in italics to make it easier to read

**Manager whitey-tighties** (10:05) How are you feeling Lapis? You said you would be gone for around two weeks?

 **Me** (10:07) Ive been staring at the same ceiling for 24 hrs but thanks for asking. Hopefully less than that, I can’t just skip out on an entire paycheck I figure

 **Manager whitey-tighties** (10:15) Oh no! Please get better, take as long as you need :^)

Lapis had take a moment to laugh at Pearl’s ridiculous nose-emoji and then continue to sneak-text. She wasn’t supposed to be texting. She wasn’t supposed to be watching TV, being online, going outside, reading, summoning the devil, anything. Literally not doing anything.

 **Me** (10:16) with paid leave then? :D

 **Manager whitey-tighties** (10:30) …..

 **Manager whitey-tighties** (10:31) get better soon Lapis!

Lapis groaned and put her arm across her face, no paid leave then. She counted on her fingers how much rent money that was lost, it comes out as ‘oh shit, son! Maybe you shouldn’t toss yourself down stairs.’

Lapis groans again and shifts in her homemade couch-nest that was digging seams into her skin. She put her wrapped-ankle up higher and considers filling her tub with ice and just submerging herself- no coming up or anything, just The Last Ice Bath.

She sighs and tries to resist texting everyone she knew about the Brangelina break up-- then complaining about everything that ever existed. Mostly concussions. Who came up with them? Where was the brain padding? The air-bags? Where was the innovation?

Evolution was a lie. She sighs.

Her phone buzzes and she remembers the doctor telling her ‘to do nothing.’ Be nothing, become the couch.

 **(Navy) blue boy-shorts** (12:23) omg! Lapi, ohmygosh. I went to go to VicSec to check in annnnd Pearl said you got beat up! Or something, how are you feeling???   
****

**Me** (12:24) Concussion and a sprained ankle, and it was really me beating myself up, so yeah...I’ll recover, other guy was a wimp

 **(Navy) blue boy-shorts** (12:25) :00000000000000 oh no! I’ll come over after work, bring you my special pie!!!!

 **Me** (12:26) only if you wanna, I mean doc said to not come over any more? She was p-to the-issed last time I saw her

 **(Navy) blue boy-shorts** (12:28) :) oh doc never means that :)…probably

 **(Navy) blue boy-shorts** (12:30) I’ll be over by 5 :DDD

Lapis rolled her eyes, she doubted Doc didn’t mean it. Doc looked like she meant every single thing she had ever said since she leapt out of the womb and uttered ‘goo-goo-gaga.’ Lapis doesn’t write that.

Instead she covers her eyes with a scented bean bag and tries to not get bored out of her mind. Navy sends her a series of get well cyber-cards and Lapis at least smiles at her phone.

Lapis’s neighbors across the hall were the ‘Ruby’s,’ they were all cousins Lapis thinks it was, large family, noisy and supportive as the devil. They apparently owned a hardware store on 31st, but Navy also had a job at the food court in the mall. She had recently taken a shine to Lapis- to the oldest Ruby’s displeasure.

Lapis tries to not do anything. Sleep. Get better. Reconsider her life choices, never think about Peridot Farid again.

Her phone buzzes.

_(2:17) Hello._

It was from an unknown number. Lapis does not respond.

_(2:18) So anyway, this is Peridot. Peridot Farid, from the party, I know what you’re thinking._

Lapis picks up the phone while Peridot’s still typing.

 **Me** (2:19) [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBftA7V4xak ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBftA7V4xak)

She inputs a new name while she’s at it.

 **_Never Look in the Eye Again_ ** _(2:19) you’re thinking how did this person get my number? Well, I’ll be brief since I know you shouldn’t technically be on the phone anyway_

 **_Never Look in the Eye Again_ ** _(2:20) what’s this video?_

 **Me** (2:21) me inner thoughts

 **Me** (2:21) *my

Lapis dies when she accidently types like a bad pirate, was it uncool to correct herself? She just doesn’t know. She blames her broken brain, which was doing no favors for her at the moment.

She changes Peridot’s name again.

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(2:22) okay, well I can’t open it now_

 **Me** (2:23) it’s worth it.

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(2:23) but it just wanted to see how you were. And say sorry_

Lapis groans and threads her fingers through her hair, on one hand this was so much better than having to die in person. On the other hand, she was still dying from this exchange.

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(2:30) hello? God, okay, here’s some medical text on what to do for concussions, try not to do too much, alright?_

_[IMAGE SENT]_

_[IMAGE SENT]_

_[IMAGE SENT]_

 

 **Me** (n/a) WHY ARE YOU SO NICE?? I’M A MSEESS

She doesn’t send that.

Lapis covers her face and grumbles, “Stopit, stopit, stopit. Don’t be so nice to me.” She doesn’t respond for another until she runs out of things to do again.

 **Me** (2:45) I’m bored. Tell me about yer day

 **Me** (4:45) *yer

 **Me** (4:46) I swear to god I’m not a pirate

 **Me** (4:46) *YOUR

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:00) the kids were asking what was laughing at, I saw your dog video._

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:01) oh excuse me *yer_

 **Me** (3:02) I am dying...My brain is against me, after having smashed itself against my skull like a pigeon on a really clear piece of glass...and I am mocked like this, this, the day of my daughters wedding

*your’re

[IMAGE SENT]

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:03) ;)_

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:03) unless you’re serious...In which case I am sorry and wish your daughter a good day_

 **Me** (3:05) yes :’( my poor orphan daughter, getting married with her mother concussed and no one to walk her down the aisle in her thrift-store dress :’((

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:07) how is your daughter an orphan if you’re alive?_

 **Me** (3:10) AND NOW, YOU MOCK MY DAUGHTER who lost her mother and her parents, no wonder some loser-- that won’t be named-- threw herself down some stairs w/you there

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:10) yeah...hopefully, hopefully whoever that was will feel better and I can bring her uh, an eyemask? Or a apples and nuts trail mix? That’s supposed to be good for head injuries_

 **Me** (3:11) aaaaaaaaaahhh

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(3:12) what? Are you okay?? I was about to drive home, but tell me if anything's wrong :(_

 **Me** (3:40) you’re...very nice

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(4:00) oh, thank you?_

 **Me** (4:20) (blaze it lol) anyway, sure. Come over some time. I won’t be much company, but I need someone to tell me if my concussion art is better than my regular art

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(4:22) (I work with children Lapis! I can’t do 4:20...I can't wait that long, I blaze it exactly at 3:00 when school gets out. With the gym teacher.) Of course. I would love to._

Lapis blushes fiercely into her pillow and tries to think of something coherent and funny

 **Me** (4:30) (that’s hilarious. My tax dollars are lit) Sounds great! Um, bring whatever, place is sort of mess since my ankle is a grade-A Quentin Tarantino disaster film

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(4:35) I can’t believe you spelled Qunetin ect name right and I teach spelling for a living- I mean technically just C-A-T, D-O-G and ‘I will not tell my parents I just ate chalk’_

Lapis laughs and thinks this can’t be bad for her brain, laughter was the best medicine

 **Me** (4:37) autocorrect my friend ;)

 **Me** (4:40) anyway, I have to get ready for my friendly neighbor to come over with some stuff, but thanks for talking to me all day. It passed the time (in a good way!)

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(4:43) no problem! I_

 **_Green Panties Customer2_ ** _(4:45) I enjoyed talking to you too_

Blushing was officially the worst, and so was cell service, and so was Peridot Farid who did this to her.

 **Me** (4:55)  <3

  
Navy had to ask her why she kept glancing at her phone the whole time and ‘looking dreamy.’ She tells her it’s the brain-sprain and teaches her how to do a double stitch on the lace boy-shorts she was making.


	5. Victoria's Debt

Lapis had a list in her head: a $7.99 sandwich she got from Whole Foods, starbucks PSL's for six days in a row, the scented shampoo instead of the plain brand, a packet of socks. She didn’t need socks.

A list of all the things she had tossed her money at _like a rube_.

She grumbles to herself about her poor-decision making as she hobbles her way down the stairs. The elevator was under maintenance again so she had take four flights of stairs on crutches and a bad attitude. She was seeing Peridot eventually that day, but this outing came first and formost. 

“I had to buy that pack of gum in 2011, had to buy my mom water skiing lessons last year, had to be born.” She dramatically huffs under her breath and limps her way to the very bottom after about an hour figuring out to go maneuver her walkers.

Technically, Dr. Maheswaran said to take two weeks off doing nothing- a paid vacation for her brain, but she had figured a week and half was enough to get her back in the saddle. And then down the stairs and to the little building on the right.

It was the home and business of her landlady, who also a money lender and something else Lapis had never pinned down and probably didn’t want to pin down.

It was square and squat building that was technically attached to her brick apartment complex. Lapis elbows her way through the door via force of will and stands in what felt like a lobby.

The interior was painted in hues of blue that was framed by aquamarine Persian rugs, royal blue curtains, and drapery with cerulean succulents in the corner. Lapis took a deep breath in and held it, it always felt like some sort of palace of a king crab with a sense of Aesthetic.

“May I help you?” A soft voice addresses her.

Lapis startles backward almost off her one good foot when she realizes someone else was in the room with her. Her mouth falls open.

“Uh, hi.” Lapis tries to smile, a wisp of a girl with hair covering her face was at a small table right in front of her. “Hi, Blue. Uh, is Ms. Diamond in?” She hesitates, rolling her shoulders and tensing all at once.

Blue tilts her head, “Did you have an appointment?”

  
“I called a little bit ago.” Lapis says quickly. “I’ll be in and out.”  
  
Blue nods and backs up like a ghost about to disappear into the wall, she pokes head in through the backdoor and has a brief exchange. She turns back around, “You can go in.”

Lapis gulps and shuffles her way across the room on her crutches, hunching her shoulders and trying to appear pitiful. A kicked puppy, a lame horse, a lesbian with poor coordination.

She knocks on the door with a steady rapt, the door appears to push itself open, if Lapis was in a horror movie she would know she was a goner at that point.

She slips and closes the door behind her.

She looks up, taking in an incredibly tall woman with a deep blue head shawl patterned with intricate lilies, nails as long as Lapis’s pinky and an impassive look on her face.

Ms. Cobalt Diamond raised her chin and seemed to examine Lapis through hooded lids, she gestures with one finger for Lapis to take a seat.

Lapis awkwardly puts her crutches up against the door and hops her way to the seat. “Hi, hello, good morning.” She covers all her bases.

Cobalt Diamond hums in return and pours them each a cup of apple tea. Lapis lets the silence settle like a prickly blanket and takes a sip of her drink, she blinks, it was good. It was always good.

Lapis clears her throat, “Soooooo.”

Cobalt fixes her with a steady look and Lapis almost goes a shade paler, “Rent.” Cobalt finally says and Lapis picks at her cuticles, shredding the skin into little pieces.

“Right.” Lapis looks in every direction and scratches the back of her neck. “About rent due, you see, my ankle got real messed up and I got a concussion, and I had to take an ambulance to the ER for a little, and see a doctor.” Cobalt sits unflinchingly in her high-backed chair.

“Haha, see the funny thing is,” Lapis puts her palms up, “did you know ambulances alone are 500 bucks for one ride? And Obama, while I love ‘em, his insurance didn’t really cover much in terms of the hospital bill.”

Cobalt remains motionless, she rolls her wrist, “Yes.”  
  
She wanted the point. “So.” Lapis tugs at her bangs and gulps, “It really wiped out my savings, and hey, I’m still paying off those bills. And I had to miss out on an entire paycheck- and I was sort of living from paycheck to paycheck anyway, and,” Lapis takes a deep breath. “ _I-need-an-extension-for-my-rent_ .”

Cobalt raises one fine eyebrow almost all the way up to her hairline. “Oh.”  
  
“Yeah,” Lapis laughs awkwardly, “Just for this month until I can get back to work.”

“Timeline?”  
  
“Two weeks, maybe more- so I can eat.” Lapis is smiling like something from the most uncomfortable elevator ride of her life, with someone getting a divorce on the phone next to her or an employee trying to flirt with their boss on the way up.

Cobalt nods with an unimpressive smallest of inclines, Lapis exhales. “Thank you, thank you so much.”  
  
Cobalt reaches into her desk drawer, “How much can you pay?”  
  
“Uh,” Lapis cringes, “200 on time? Maybe.” She offers with her fingers dancing up and down, she wasn’t out of the woods.

Cobalt eases a pain and paper over in Lapis’s direction, it says in thin black letters at the top ‘Loan Agreement.’

Lapis shifts her weight from side to side, “No, you see, I was hoping not to take out a loan with you, just an extension?”

Cobalt shakes her head back and forth like a mountain moving with the slowest of grace. “I can loan you 900 to cover this month.” She says without inflection.

Lapis bunches up into herself, “No interest? Since, I am,” she points at her wrapped ankle, “super injured right?”

Cobalt shakes her head again, “45% interest rate. Per usual.”

Lapis’s mouth hangs open, “45%?” She stutters, but already knows the answer.

Cobalt passes her the pen again and indicates for her to fill it out, Lapis remembers her neighbor being evicted. The evictor had been the most grating person she ever met, and she retained the right to spit at Jasper every time she saw her.

Lapis remembers the moment and grabs the pen from off the desk with sweaty fingers. She signs on the dotted line.

 

\------------------

 

Lapis lies facedown on her couch and groans into the pillows.

“Ohmygooooood.” She bawls her fists up and bangs them up and down on the pillows. “Ugggggh.”

Not only did she still owe the hospital, but now was about to go into debt-hell without even going to college.

She tries to get up and put the glasses on the table away, but gives up halfway through and lies on the floor instead. “Ffffffrick,”

She tries to absorb herself into the hardwood, but Niche doesn’t come to her out of the void of her own despair and assure her nothing matters. She gets back up again.

She reassumes trying to clean her studio apartment. She gathers the dirty dishes and hides them away in the dishwasher and kicks all her extra fabric and sewing kit into the corner.

She’s stuffing the trash further down into the bin when a knock comes at the door. Normally, she would try to plaster on a huge smile and maybe touch-up her cover up, but it had been a long day.

She shuffles to the door, trying to not put weight on her bad ankle, she swings the door open.

“Hey.” She says listlessly and waves.

Peridot blinks at her from the door, “Lapis!” She smiles and puts out a dish. “Do you like casseroles.”

Lapis laughs and steps aside, her fingers relaxing somewhat against the door frame. “I like casseroles.”

Peridot looked around and put the food down on the counter. “Nice place.”

Lapis snorts. “Trust me. It’s not worth it. But yeah, welcome.”

“But for a studio apartment.” Lapis readjusts her glasses, “this is better than I usually see.”

Lapis shrugs and sighs, “My dad helped me pick it out and I just sort of stayed here. It was supposed to be for some of my art or whatever.”

Peridot blinked and stood up straighter, “art?”

Lapis juts her thumb to the corner where sand and glue stood in piles, “Hobby.”

Peridot nods and looks her up and down, “How are you? Besides sending me dancing dog videos over text every other hour.”

Lapis light’s up, “There was a bird laughing like an evil chainsaw thrown in there too.”

Peridot chuckles, “you got me there. Troy, one of the kids, saw it today too and he lost it, thought I’d have to take him to the nurse.” Peridot says thoughtfully, Lapis hums with a small smile.

“Good day then?” She sat down and folded her skirt down.

Peridot looks at her again and squints her eyes, “Me? Sure. But you’re the concussed one.” Peridot looks at the floor and shifts from foot to foot. “Sorry about that again.”

Lapis shrugs and tosses her hair back, “totes forget about it. I always throw myself down stairs when I kiss girls.” She winks, and Peridot visibly blushes.

“Uh,” she coughs and looks away, the tension between them had somehow solidified, “But getting better, right?”

Lapis smiles and peeks into the casserole dish, “right as rain. I mean, outside of selling my soul to my landlady, my faculties are in order.”

“Soul?” Peridot hops into the seat next to her.

Lapis places her forehead on the cool counter and groans. “45% APR isn’t bad, right?”

“It’s not great.” Peridot responds slowly with a cringe.

Lapis sniffs and opens the dish fully, “you wanna eat? I could eat.”

She gets out plates and laughs when Peridot tells her about the principle breaking her heel on the way to work today, and Peridot stopping some kid from eating dirt. Or at least,  _ more  _ dirt.

She sits back down as Lapis tries to not eat like she hadn’t had anything all day. Which she hadn’t. Peridot stares at her with large green eyes that softened at her every move. Lapis looked away and flushed.

Something was there, but her fingers couldn’t even ghost over it now.

“So what  _ is  _ that?” Peridot finally points behind them and Lapis turns slowly as she finishes her meal.

“Oh,” she swallows and takes a drink, “My dad bought me a mannequin when I moved in, and now it stands there and looks pretty. Her name is Quin the Lifeless.”

Peridot snorts, “lifeless, of course.”

“Don’t jinx it, if she comes alive in some bizarre turn events I’m definitely first on her hit list.” She pretends to poke the air, “too many pins in her.”

Peridot bites her lip and smiles. She stares at the nude skeleton of a clothes model, “you’re making a skirt with it?” She smiles wider, “you make stuff.”

Lapis waves her hand in the air. “Art! Bad art.” She chuckles, “and clothes.”

“That’s cool.” Lapis’s eyes were wide and a half smile across her lips.

Lapis stirs her tuna around on the plate, “I got mono when I was 16 and spent two months moaning and suffering. My neighbor, who looked like Rose O'Donnell mixed with Danny Devito, looked after me and made me pick up sewing to pass the time.”

Peridot was smiling, “that’s kind of cool.”

Lapis makes a small laugh, “mostly sundresses, cause they’re easy, and sometimes I look at underwear so much at Vicky’s that my brain downloads the design.”

Peridot makes a face at her, “You make your own underwear? I mean, interesting.”

“Don’t hate,” Lapis puts up her hands, “now no one’s touched my delicates but me and the silk worms.”

“And the people who spun the silk, and the clerks, and everyone else in the store who felt the fabric.” Peridot said factually as she lists it off on her fingers.

Lapis sticks her tongue out at her, “What’s that? I can’t hear over my comfortable and cheap  panties that fit me. Oh, Peridot didn’t know how bra sizes work? Wow.”

Peridot pinches her and Lapis shoos her, “Fighting words from someone with a concussion.”

“This has always been a fight.” Lapis says with her eyebrows bouncing g up and down, “my mission was compromised. The motherland had me sacrifice myself. On suburban stairs.”

“Well, then you’re a terrible agent.” She teases and Lapis tries to get up.

Lapis nods her head, “Granted. Score one for kindergarten teachers.” Peridot smiles at her and her hand almost creeps towards hers. Lapis bites her lip. “Okay,” She waves her over, “Help me get my cookie tin from on top of my cupboards.”

“What?”

Lapis points up, “you’re here. I would climb, but I’m kinda worried about falling.” She concedes and keeps pointing.

Peridot scrambles up and helps her get things from high places and clean up the places that she hadn’t been able to get to lying on the couch for the last two weeks.

Peridot kept glancing at her, and their hands kept brushing. Lapis didn’t know what to do with that.

Peridot was trying to dust the top of her ceiling fan as Lapis rolled her eyes. “You really don’t need to do that.”

“You say that, but when you turn it on and it sends dust everywhere and you sneeze all over yourself then you’ll wish you had.”

“I’ll just invite you over when that happens, we can sneeze on each other.” She tries to reach towards Peridot.

“Is that retribution?”

“Yes.” She climbs on the couch next to her, “Here.” She adjusts her wrist so she can reach higher up with a duster.

“Oh,” Peridot’s chest puffs out as they stand on the couch face to face. Peridot’s breath tickles her neck and Lapis feels the need to get down, right now, immediately. She doesn’t.

Peridot’s eyes drag up, Lapis’s hand still on her wrist, her lips part and she licks them in a small gesture. They stand very still and Lapis holds her breath.

“Well!” Lapis squeaks and Peridot jerks forward and starts to topple backward, Lapis reaches out and catches her and they somehow manage not to fall off the couch.

They sit down next to each other, “Maybe we shouldn’t do that anymore.”

“Yeah.” Peridot says with color across her nose. “Yeah.”

Lapis sighs and looks at her hand. “Thanks for the casserole.”

Peridot smiles over at her, “It’s the least I could do.” Lapis clears her throat and Peridot scratches her wrist. She thank's her for having her.

Lapis leads her to the door with the air still thick with something heavy and tart, she waves her off. And she wishes she was drunk, on the stairs in a Victorian skirt and could do it all over again.


	6. Victoria's Stakeout

Lapis’s foot ached but she seemed to be able to support her weight on it the day after she got the bandages off. She used that renewed ability to dash behind a fake bush in the mall and glance out from behind it.

She checked her watch make sure her hour lunch wasn’t up yet, Pearl had given her more time due to her 'injury'. She was going to make the most of it, she reverted her eyes back to her task at hand. A small open area with chairs and cafe tables spread out before her between a salon and a coffee shop.

A teenage girl flipped long blonde hair behind her back and Lapis narrowed her eyes at her hands. She had a large bag that read ‘Marshal’s’ on the side but Lapis knew there wasn’t even a Marshal’s in this mall.

The girl laughs at something her friend says and the group walk to the nearest pretzel stand. Lapis follows with a languid casualness, trying to stay behind the crowd and various displays in the area.

She watches them get food, waiting, waiting, for them to enter another shop. She had her phone out and was ready to call Bernie at any moment.

She’s kneeling behind an abandoned massage chair for a good ten minutes when she feels a light tap on her shoulder.

“Ah!” She jumps and puts her arms up in a defensive maneuver.

A pair of steady green eyes blink back at her, “What are you doing?” The woman asks flatly.

Lapis opens her mouth to try to explain, but nothing comes out. This might be hard to explain. They stare at each for a minute before Lapis’s eyes dart towards her target.

“Things?" Lapis offers before cringing and looking away. "Oh! They’re on the move!” Lapis puts her sunglasses back on and grabs at Peridot’s collar, “Get down.”

“What the-” Lapis wrestles to her the ground as she squirms and Lapis watches the band of girls move to the ‘Icing’ clothes store.

“There they go.” She announces in a harsh whisper.

“Soooo, how’s that head injury healing up?” Peridot deadpans.

Lapis glances down at her, “Fine, thank you,” She chirps, “I’m back at work. In fact, you could say I’m doing over time.”  
  
“And what _are_ you doing?” Peridot was holding something in her hand and it occurred to Lapis that it also strange to see her here.

“One moment. We have to make sure we catch this.” Lapis sneaks to the side of the store with Peridot crawling reluctantly behind her.

Lapis gets out her iphone and readies the camera, “Okay, here we go.” She studies the blonde with a Marshal’s bag as big as her torso and clutched close to her side.

“Are we...Is this some sort of stake out?” Peridot sounded like she was joking, but was closely watching Lapis in a measured manner.

Lapis gives a short laugh, “Sort of. Maybe. Let's just say I’m saving my job _and_ my paycheck.”

“Are you gonna mug this teenage girl?” Peridot elbows her cheekily.

“No!” Lapis puts her camera up, “Just the opposite, I’m just gonna...Get her arrested.” Peridot’s mouth hangs open for a moment, Lapis backtracks. “Okay, I could have phrased that better, but- there, there!” She points and tries to click her camera.

Lapis swears on her life that the girl expertly slid a necklace into her bag under one of the other bags. She also swears that the security tag was being hustled back onto one of the other necklaces.

“Damn!” Lapis looks at the fuzzy image, “I didn’t even get it. Gotta call Bernie.”

Lapis stands up and eyes the girl, she dials for the local mall cop, Peridot openly stared at the alleged shoplifter, “You were serious.”  
  
“You betcha!” Lapis cheers, but she probably cheered too loudly.

One of the girls friends tugged on the blonde’s sleeve and points at Lapis, whispering into her ear and indicating towards the phone in her hand. Lapis’s eyes go wide.

The group moves to the front and the girl get’s out said necklace out from deep within the bag, they pay for all their items.

“Ah!” Lapis nearly touchdowns her phone into the hard tile, “I was so close.”  
  
Peridot was snickering into her hands beside her on the ground. “That’s something else.”  
  
Lapis groans and the trio of girls bustle past her in hurried murmurs. They go out of sight towards the food court.

Lapis buries her face in hands, “Arg. They were gonna go down, _down town_ and I was going to treat myself to tiramisu when it was over.”  
  
Peridot grabs onto her elbow to get her attention, “Is it...bad?”

“It’s bad.” Lapis confirms with her shoulders slouch over. "I've been chewed like 3 times for shrink."

Peridot looked her up and down, “Can I buy you an ice cream?” She smiles. "Lemme buy you an icecream."

Lapis smiles back softly. "Sure. You can buy me an icecream." They head to the food court as well, Lapis feeling somewhat baffled at the turn of events, she had been so close, but Peridot was here. So, not so bad.

 


	7. Victoria's Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split the last chapter into two

“Come on, this'll make your adventures in stalking feel better.” Peridot guides her along towards the food court. 

Lapis coughs, “It wasn’t _stalking_. It was justice. Our shrink in the store is up to 7%, the average is about 1.5% and we are gonna get audited according to Pearl.”

“Huh,” Peridot’s eyes follow her, “I didn’t know that there was that many underwear thieves.”

“I wasn’t joking the day I met you! I have to be an underwear cop, because somebody is getting away with this.” She huffed and put her hands in her pockets.

“Well, I might have something to help you out. Not with the underwear cop thing- which I might be careful with labeling yourself.”

Lapis shrugged and gave a weak laugh, “Okay, underwear cop does sound like a bad porno, actually, I’m sure it is one, like with 80s music and people looking directly into the camera with their mouths open.” She says as she taps her chin and looks up the ceiling.

Peridot steers them into the Dairy Queen line. “Granted. But...It is sort of nice what you're doing.”

Lapis shrugs, “ _I am going to kick their ass_.”

Peridot laughs and gets out her wallet, “What do you want?” Lapis smiles, but reaches to stop her.

“It’s okay, you don’t really have to.” She tries to go for her own credit card.

Peridot shakes her head, “I owe you. It is my fault you spent two weeks laid out anyway.” Lapis lets go and shrugs. 

She gets a double peanut butter shake with chocolate balls and Peridot gets a strawberry cone. Lapis raises an eyebrow at her, “Boring.”

Peridot rolls her eyes. “Boring? Really? I bet you like pineapple pizza.” She says pointedly and Lapis elbows her.

“I do.” She asserts, Peridot balks.

“Nevermind, I have to leave right now, immediately.” Lapis laughs and feels a little better when she has a sugar-pumped disaster in her hands.

She sucks on the thick shake through a straw and looks at the fans in the ceiling. “By the way,” They choose a table and situate themselves away from the crowds, “Did you come here to help me catch thieves or…?”

Peridot fidgets from side to side and scratches her chin, “Or.”

Lapis grins, “Darn, I thought you were getting psychic. I’ll cross that off the list.”

“Drink your jar of sugar-peanut butter.” She responds willfully and Lapis chews on her drink. “I do hope you catch your thieves.”

Lapis nods, “I mean, I probably won’t lose my job, but maybe, I dunno, an audit sounds like a pain, and I can’t miss more paychecks. Ms. Diamond will literally bargain for my soul if I do.”

“That’s what I’m here for!” Peridot chirps with a dab of strawberry ice cream on her nose as she sits up straight.

Lapis goes to wipe it off but Peridot was on the move as she twisted in her seat.

“You're here for my soul?” Lapis asks blandly.

Peridot got a flyer out of her back pocket and spread it out on the table, “Well, no. You can keep that to yourself.”

“For now. Before I have to challenge my landlady to a fiddling contest.” She sips on her drink thoughtfully.

“No worries, I have a solution.” Peridot was puffing out her chest and looking very pleased with herself.

Lapis pokes at her solar plexus, “Yeah? Is this about that game you posted on your twitter with the harem and the dating sim?”

Peridot blushed and grumbled, “No, Love Love Roses is, actually, nevermind.... Did you follow me?”

“Always.”

Peridot turned the pamphlet over, “I’m about to help you, soooo.”

Lapis smiles, “What is it?”

Peridot pointed downward, “You make clothes right?”

“I know of maybe doing that. May have been in art school for a hot second, may have turned into an ugly second and you know, went down to garbage town where the girls are walking headaches and the boys are snorting heroin.”

Peridot hums, “Well...I have a solution to said debt.”

“Uh, bankruptcy? Actually robbing that teenage girl? Becoming _the_ _other_ kind of underwear cop?” Lapis offers one at a time with a wink, Peridot flattened the flyer out and shook her head.

“There’s a local Design Award and Competition. The winner get’s 600 dollars and featured in the Portland Observer with their winning line.”

Lapis blinks and bites her lip, “I owe, like 900 with interest.”

Peridot’s smile fades somewhat, “It’s uh, free to enter if that helps? And it could be a start.”

“Hmm,” Lapis twists her mouth to the side, “I’d have to think about it.”

“Great!” Peridot grins like cat, “The theme this year I thought was really fitting for you anyway.”

Lapis lays her chin down her hands, “And what’s that?”

“Lingerie!”

Lapis groans, “I can’t escape underwear, can I?”

“With eco-friendly material.”

Lapis makes a face, “I knew I lived amongst hippies. Now I know they’re hippies that want to get half-naked...If a Lyleighae tries to talk to me I'm running.”

Peridot shrugs and Lapis leans across the table and wipes the strawberry ice cream off her nose.

Lapis watches her carefully as she wipes away the dessert. "How much time do I have?" Lapis asks as she rubbed at Peridot's nose who wiggled away from her.

"Six months."

"Nice." Lapis smiles and then tilts her head, she looks Peridot up and down. “You wanna be my model?”

Peridot’s eyes go wide, “Uh, me? That’s not really...I’m not that tall Lazuli.”

Lapis’s whole face splits into a smile, “You’re perfect for my clothes. I swear.”

Peridot looks like her face becomes a five-alarm chili and like she might choke on her ice cream when she takes a huge bite of it at the next moment.

“I mean, plus it means way less material for me to buy!” Lapis says with a laugh and Peridot thwaps her on the shoulder.

“Ha. Ha.” She deadpans.

“So you’ll do it?” Lapis sits up straight and watches her. "We could have a working relationship." 

"Oh," Peridot looks down at her hands and fiddles with something, “I'll think about it.”

Lapis claps her hands, “Prime.” She exhales and looks down at her watch, “Me too.” She winks, “First model in Lapis’s clothes for the very tiny.” Peridot thwaps her on the shoulder again.

She leaves after watching Peridot's icecream melt on her and laughing, then her brain buzzes as she gets back to work.

She is 10 minutes late getting back to the store, but there is this wave of possibilities. Lingerie. Money. Peridot. In her clothes.

  
She was thinking about it.

**Author's Note:**

> support your local gay and don't forget to kudo, comment and/or bookmark!


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